7 Steps to Your Best Relationship EVER!

Over the course of my professional career, I’ve worked in a variety of settings: schools, private practice, mental health clinics, correctional facilities and the court system.  In some of the court cases where I consulted, I learned that some of the evidence that was presented in some of the cases was based on the testimonies of eyewitnesses who were present when the crimes in question occurred.  When I started working with the courts, I believed what most people likely believe: There is nothing more reliable than an eyewitness, a person who was actually present when a crime was committed.  However, what I learned later, through experience working court cases, reading research literature and from speaking with legal professionals, was that eyewitness testimony is actually one of the least reliable sources of information about a given situation or event.

A person’s memory or recollection of a person, interaction, situation or event can be distorted by a variety of factors, including the amount of time that has passed between an event occurring and the need to recall the event, a person’s emotional or psychological state during the event and during recall and a variety of other factors.  Any of these factors can distort a person’s memory of past events and the person attempting to recall those events may have no idea that what they recall is inaccurate, distorted or is simply wrong.  It is important to keep in mind that, when a person has an inaccurate recollection of a person or event, the person is not necessarily lying or trying to distort the memory.  They simply may not remember events as they were and we often find out just how distorted a memory of an event can be when we have an additional person who was also present during the event provide input as to what actually occurred during the past event.  When we have two people who were both present at the same event at the same time, it’s startling how dramatically different their accounts of that event can be.

Just as memory can be unreliable in court proceedings, they can be even more unreliable when we’re talking about people’s memories about their relationships.  Two people involved in a relationship can have wildly different views and understanding about the relationship and about discussions or arguments that occurred.  For example, think back to pretty much any argument or disagreement that you’ve had with a present or past partner and see how often you’ve argued or disagreed about what did or did not happen or what was said or was not said.  Two people in the same place at the same time and engaged in the same interaction can each recall the interaction differently.

One of the reasons why recalling events or partners from the past is important is that people’s memories are often not only distorted but are selective, and this selectivity can be intentional or accidental.  When memories are selective, it can be for various reasons and those reasons may have nothing to do with deception, bashing or misrepresenting anyone.

Kate is a 30-year-old social media consultant who had been having a difficult time getting over the break-up of a three-year relationship.  Although the break-up occurred a year and a half before she came to see me, her pain and her wounds were still fresh.  When Kate spoke about her ex-boyfriend, she often vacillated between using present tense and past tense when discussing him.  After a few sessions, I shared with Kate a few observations I’d made:

Me:      I’ve noticed that when you talk about Richard, it’s always in very glowing terms, like you really admired him.

Kate:    Oh, I do admire him!  He’s great! He always makes me laugh!

Me:      Makes you laugh? So, you’re still in contact with him?

Kate:    No, I told you I haven’t had any contact with him since we broke up.

Me:      OK, because when you said that he “makes” you laugh, that was in the present tense, as if the two of you are still interacting.

Kate:    (Looking sad) No, we’re not in contact anymore.

Me:      Kate, you look sad after my comment, but it brings me to something I wanted to ask you about.  Tell me about some times when Richard made you upset, made you angry or disappointed you.

Kate:    (Looking puzzled, but not saying anything)

Me:      Kate, I understand that Richard was an amazing person, that he did amazing things and that you felt great being in a relationship with him, but the relationship did end, he decided to end it and I know that no one can be amazing all the time.  It’s just not possible.  Everyone is annoying at some point!  (She giggles) So, tell me about a time when “Magnificent Richard” was just a little bit annoying.

After a bit of thought, Kate was able to come up with a minor incident in which Richard was a little less than “magnificent” and when he was not as thoughtful or as considerate of her feelings as he could have been.  After some discussion of that incident, Kate came up with a few more stories in which she was beyond annoyed with Richard and was actually angry with him.  I asked her to tell me about times when they had arguments or disagreements.  I had her talk about conflict in the relationship, but not because I wanted her to bash Richard or because I wanted to create any negativity.  I wanted her to recall times when things between the two of them were not so amazing because I wanted her to realize that the angry and hurt feelings were just as real as the amazing and magnificent ones, and that neither the relationship nor Richard were as “perfect” as they seemed when she recalled only the good times that they had.

It’s important to note that Kate’s tendency to recall only the good times in her previous relationship was not really an attempt at deceiving herself, but the memories made her feel good in the present and eased her loneliness and fear.  It was important that she realized that there were also bad times, struggles and conflict right alongside the fun, the love and the intimacy.  Kate needed to understand that all relationships contain both good and bad elements.  The more she was able to recall the less-than-great aspects of Richard and the relationship the less chained to that dead relationship she seemed to be.  Over the next session or two Kate, on her own, started to refer to Richard only in the past tense.  When she was able to recall a more balanced and accurate memory of the relationship and both partners, I knew that she was opening herself up to new possibilities for a new relationship to develop in her life.

Not All Bad

Just as relationships tend not to be “all good” when we recall them, they are not “all bad” either.

John was a 34-year-old graduate student who had never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months.  When I asked him about this trend, he spoke easily about the failings and shortcomings of the women he had dated.  He was never at a loss for examples of how they didn’t “get him”, how they weren’t devoted enough to him and how they never made enough time for him.  John talked about knowing that he “deserved better” and that he wasn’t going to settle for women who did not meet his standards.

Me:      John, you seem to have pretty high expectations about how someone else is supposed to be.

John:    Yeah, I guess I do.  I don’t mean to sound arrogant or anything, but I do believe that I deserve a really good woman and I don’t want to settle for less than that.  My brother settled and he’s miserable now in his marriage and I don’t want that.

Me:      I see.  So, you want a “really good woman”?

John:    Yes, I do.

Me:      But are you a “really good man”?

John:    Well, I’d say so.

Me:      Yes, I know that you’d say so, but would your ex-girlfriends say so?

John:    Um, I think they would…

Me:      Whenever you’ve spoken about your past relationships, you’ve only told me about the problems that were present in them and you’ve only told me about the things the women had done wrong and how they disappointed you.  Tell me about some times when you disappointed them.

John:    I don’t really recall…

Me:      Let me help you remember.  Tell me about some times when any of these women were upset or angry with you.

After some further prompting and not letting him shift blame back to the women, John was able to recall some times when girlfriends had told him that he was inconsiderate or that he didn’t make an effort to spend time with them.  I expressed to John that his memories tended to focus on instances in which someone didn’t meet his needs and that his memories did not seem to include those times when he disappointed others.  I worked with him to help him have more accurate and balanced recollections of all of the events in his relationships, not just those elements that were important to him.

As John became better able to see that he focused mainly on the negative aspects of his relationships, I worked to help him see why he was being resistant to remembering and acknowledging the good times that were present.  We found that John was afraid that, if he acknowledged that the relationships were not all bad, he would have to confront the question of why he kept ending some good relationships.  He came to realize that he was afraid of completely immersing himself in a relationship because doing so made him feel too vulnerable, and that he could feel “empowered” when he was the one to end the relationship.  In his mind and beneath his conscious awareness, John believed that “It’s better to leave someone than to be left by someone.”  His fear of being vulnerable enough to be totally in love with a woman distorted his memories so much that he only recalled problems and negative events from his past and those negative events gave him an excuse to end relationships whenever he felt too vulnerable.  In John’s case, his distorted memories “protected” him from getting hurt, but they also prevented him from looking at how he was playing a major role in the problems that were present in his relationships.

Now it’s time to work with what you’ve just learned by completing our worksheets.  Worksheets are available in PDFs that you can complete on your computer and then print them, and they are also available is MS Word documents that you can print and complete.

Worksheets

PDF file:

WORKSHEET – Family of Origin

MS Word document:

WORKSHEET – Family of Origin